An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
You Might Also Like
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.