Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*