Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
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In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
everyone’s a critic
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.