Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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reduce, reuse, recycle
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I love it all
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.