Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
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first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[eulogy]
line?
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.