Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.