Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁