Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)