Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Based Erika
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon