I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them