Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Dammit Chief not again
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.