[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
time machine? you mean a clock?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.