7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
You Might Also Like
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.