My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
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Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?