doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
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me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’m not stressed
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
moms in horror movies
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Me irl
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.