My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%