[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
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