My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?