Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Rt to bother an English speaker
The prophecy is fulfilled
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”