When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.