everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.