her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The government even made aliens boring
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit