[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Perfect
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[loses house key, starts a new life]