Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
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“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I wanna be friends with this person
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”