Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME: