As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
You Might Also Like
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad