if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
everyone has that one prude friend
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?