H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it