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Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds