It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Saint West, the patron of selfies
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages