I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
That de-escalated quickly
If only.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.