My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
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