news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*