me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
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It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you