If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
wow
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*