A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Kermit goes Blue.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
A fake ID that makes you younger
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment