At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
You Might Also Like
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Don’t tell me what to do
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.