New mindset, who dis?
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Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Life cycle of cat