every college guy’s fridge
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– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.