Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
You Might Also Like
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
my favorite genre of twitter