me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat