“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
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One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back