“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
how to exercise your calf muscles
#StillHurts
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree