“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
My apartment is a mess, I should move
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.