When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
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“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly