Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
yea so i messed up lol
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.