I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential