Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
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Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Remember folks 😂
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok