The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me too door. Me too.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
wow he looks just like him
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell