You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?